Vfiles

weepingwidar:

image

Danielle McKinney (American, 1981) - Shelter (2023)

(via biancavivion)

feels like centuries since ive actually taken the time out to do this. usually if I have a worthwhile thought I just toss it in my notes and inevitably forget about it. but I miss this actual process and how foundational it was for me. I also miss having shit to say, or even feeling like I had shit worthy of saying. not to say there’s nothing going on worth talking about but i’ve developed this weird regimen with processing emotions now thats somewhat dismissive. like I've managed to drown out a lot of my issues and sub out problem solving for drugs, sex, and alcohol. u dont need to care when u have the luxury of forgetting. 

I never wanna feel this way again. im never going to. 

veefiles:

I’ve made a habit of realizing I’m unhappy then alienating myself from everything until I magically become happy again. It never works. Instead I always get caught up in some drug binge (crosses fingers that it’s Vicodin) and further spiral into sadness. This is no way to live life. But bc of this I’ve experienced so many “aha” moments, clearly not enough that I’ve broken the cycle but I’m celebrating the small wins too. Some were eye opening, but some just make me wanna jump off my building lol but I guess that’s one in the same nowadays 

 1. I’m surprisingly really grateful for life, not necessarily my life and how I operate within it, but that I’m breathing and able bodied and have people who love me. I have good friends. And that’s hard to find 

 2. He doesn’t want me *jumps off roof* 

 3. I’m starting to believe that I’m just genuinely sad, to the core, cuz I can’t shake this off anymore. The highs count but the lows are almost always two times worse. But it’s slightly easier to ignore now. I can drown myself out with the busyness of life 

 4. Idk I just lost the will to write.. So I’m gonna halfassedly end this here

I used to dream of being in Paris, it was the only thing on my bucket list and I’m here and it’s not like it isn’t as beautiful as I anticipated or the feeling I hoped to have isn’t here… it’s just the hope or excitement of getting “there” will always be far better than actually being there.. which makes me wonder if life will always be this way, anticipating and waiting for better and when it actually comes around it’s not enough either..

projecteurart: “andré castro vasconcelos ”
cnyck: “https://goo.gl/cJXfyj ”
66lanvin: “PUNX not DEAD………..No.3 ”

thinking about life and the people I let myself love, wondering if this clusterfuck is truly predestined and everything is just meant to be, or if I have any real control over my destiny.. wondering why I’ve abandoned hope and found solace in alcohol and hurting those that probably love me the most. if there’s a reason or purpose behind every action or word that leaves my mouth. if my life is going to turn into everything I envisioned it to be, and if that will make me happy. wondering why some left and some stayed, and how some understood to just love me from afar.. and even if I might not have appreciated it then, that ill eventually appreciate it forever 

I think my biggest character flaw is lack of commitment and follow through with most if not all tasks………. and my passive aggressiveness. Actively working on both though. Trying to be more consistent n reliable. keeping my word is valuable and I always seem to forget that. Loosely starting today, hopefully ending #neva

80koi: “love & pop (1998) ”